Monday, 19 May 2014
Monday, 21 April 2014
Sunday, 19 January 2014
I've got lots to accomplish in 2014. I have talents and abilities, though I'm still searching for motivation and drive.
GregNaked has just started a new blog where he's sharing some of his adventures and sexy goals for 2014. Check it out, and you might see me pop into the narrative now and again :).
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
I've been struggling with sharing stuff in this forum. I use social media as a kind of entertainment, and sometimes as a crutch of peer/stranger approval. Lately I've been triggered by some posts of people I don't even know, and I've judged their self obsessions and glib pronouncements on so many topics. I recognize their cry for approval and love, because it's in me as well. That recognition helps me judge them less, but it also inspires me to be less whiny, less of a know-it-all, and less keen on putting on a front I no longer truly believe in. Sometimes it's difficult to be compassionate, or to forgive others' foibles or shortcomings, but it indicates to me what level of judgement and impossibly high standards I hold for myself as well.
I want this to be a place of affirmation, of sharing and reflection. Sometimes my words might inspire, and other times they might get lost in the ether. It's up to me to make the difference I want to make. It's for me to say and to be.
Enough impatience, worry, and disapproval. Time to move towards joy and the pursuits that put a smile on my face. Sharing and letting go are better company.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
It seems I’ve found myself feeling somewhat disconnected from a desire for a lot of social “obligations”. I’ve even let go of most of my social media endeavours lately. I can’t say that it’s simply a case of having felt overwhelmed with work or other pursuits. True, I haven’t really been getting enough sleep lately, and my life has felt very full. Overall, there have been a lot of good things that have transpired in the past few months. I think that the simplest explanation/description I can give is this…
I’m going through a kind of transitional period in my life, sorting through some emotions, shifting some sights, and changing some behaviours.
It’s definitely a time of renewal and I’m making the most of it. The only strange thing I’m experiencing is that the things I thought I knew about myself, and the ways I spent my time, are shifting and changing, and I’m not quite caught up with everything. Like living in a new home, I’m not fully settled in, despite my excitement and exhilaration. It’s time to let some things go for good this time, and to find new ways to spend my time and energy.
It’s also a time of appreciation for me. I have so many good people and things in my life. I really want to appreciate them more, and make those loved ones see how much I value them. I also want to take better care of myself, and to take time to really nurture myself in all ways.
I keep saying it here, but I really want to post here more often. I think I’m too often caught up in the desire to only be a certain kind of entertaining, or a particular voice of insightfulness. I want to communicate with more abandon, with more rawness and candour.
There are many ways to be an exhibitionist. There are many ways to be honest. Time to explore more of all of this in 2013.
Monday, 12 November 2012
The window I'm typing this in hovers over a desktop that's filled with jpegs I've recently downloaded from my phone or the web. Many are of the porn variety, a collection of NSFW images of me, guys I've chatted with, guys I wish I knew. Of course, what's on my screen is only a sprinkle. There are folders and hard drives and CD-ROMs going back years that I've amassed since the 90's. This post isn't about my dirty pic collection though. In part, it's about my relationship with the visual world. I spend so much time captivated by appearances, images and pictures, both the two dimensional ones and the ones in my mind, or the ones that appear in front of me as I go about my day.
This occupation overlaps somewhat with a desire to create my own images. Yes I paint, but these days spend more time with my iPhone in hand playing with photo apps instead of brushes. I've never called myself a photographer, but I take a lot of photographs. Most of them are what people would call snapshots, as artistically significant as someone taking snaps of themselves while clubbing or at a party. Still, they are a kind of meditation for me, or simply a reminder of the present, or the moment, or born out of a desire to document something, or myself. I'm not alone in this pursuit. Many people take lots of pictures, that's nothing new. I feel like somehow I want to do it in a more significant way. Maybe as a means to justify what I'm doing.
I've been comparing myself and my blog to others out there and feel like I haven't been prolific enough. "Prolific" is a word that depresses me a little as I judge myself constantly for being so lazy when it comes to putting myself out there. Over the years I've seen many people go from having a dream to do something, to applying a lot of energy and effort toward that goal or dream, to ultimately achieving what they'd set out to do. I've been good at supporting others, but often do not support and motivate myself.
I'm proud of this blog but could do a lot more here. I'm fond of my contributions on twitter as insignificant as they might seem to some. I need some goals, I need a plan to get there. Maybe more than that, I need to stoke those motivational fires. Somehow I need to bring forward the muse for motivation and drive. I feel like my default is often lazy, sleepy, & "content". True, I have a lot of joy in my life and have brought some great experiences and amazing people into it. In some ways I can do a lot more. I almost feel a kind of responsibility to.
It's not that I want to abandon all the fun, lazy afternoons or daydreaming I'm so fond of. It's just that those things alone are not going to get me much. But then, I also feel really unclear sometimes about what it is I want to do and say. There is a leader in me who wants to lead, but what's my message? How can I blast it out there? Even whispering it would be good. Any communication of my inner workings, innermost desires and thoughts would be a good thing. Just looking over what I've written gives me a feeling of being overwhelmed. So much to figure out. Who is Hawk Shepherd? Will the world know? Arf.