Sunday, 4 March 2012


Lately I've been reflecting on how sharing my pup self with others has been a lot like my coming out experience. I worked on some paintings this week which feature some pup elements, and I've been feeling stressed about people seeing them at the opening this week because I've been afraid of answering their questions about the work and revealing myself further.

I'm realizing that it's not so much their possible reactions I fear. I'm being affected by the feelings and emotions that come from encompassing, embracing and integrating aspects of myself, and the choice to be more public about that self. I stumbled upon a blog post I wrote many years ago, and was amused to see that it still very much rings true for me. I've included it here:

Fucking Faggot

There was a time that I removed myself from gay culture. Most gay men in the gay community triggered me. I judged all their choices. I judged how some gay men talked, what they talked about, how they dressed, how they spent their money, how they spent their time. I judged their choices around relationships, their views on the world. I judged their outrageousness. I couldn't understand how some people could celebrate these gay men.

After I came out at 19, I hardly hid my sexual preferences from anyone, and yet, I began a journey of controlling my actions, my appearance, in a direction that I thought was acceptable for a gay man to exhibit. Sure, there were many that found me and saw me at times as flamboyant and "gay", but I strived to be all those things to a certain degree, to the "right" amount. I thought of myself as an example to all of how all gay men should be. I created an ideal in my mind, did my best to emulate it, and then wished everyone else would too. I cringed at gay men who acted "gayer"(!) than me, as I thought of them as giving all gay men a bad name. I thought, they were the ones responsible for encouraging hate and homophobia, separation, confusion and miscommunication and misunderstanding.

I came to seperate myself from the gay community at large and only interacted with "enlightened" gay men, who saw themselves as better than those "other" gay men. Yet again, I went up the mountain, shunning those who did things differently. There was a benefit at the time to surround myself with the like-minded. I needed them to support my illusion. I needed the gift of time before I could jump.

These gay men triggered me. Made me angry. I wanted to shake them, to shut them up.

The journey was a long one, with many twists and turns, but I have now come to see the amazing reflection they were and are to me of my fears around my sexuality, of my choice to manifest as a gay man, of my fears around being an outcast, not good enough, bad, unlovable, alone, rejected, damaged. Yes, there is a lot of healing and growth needed within the gay community (they've taken on the guilt of the world), and I am one who's chosen to assist those who choose to work with me, on their journies of self-love, acceptance and self-empowerment. I've realized though, that the most significant way that I can be of assistance is through the example of myself. Those illusions and fears I have seen my way through, I can then assist others through.

I so appreciate all gay men, for the work that they have done and continue to do. They are triggering all of society to look at its fears around sexuality, the feminine, the masculine, the illusions of gender and appearance, promisquity, alternative relationships and partnerships, harm, pain, pleasure...and so much more. They have come in to play with me, to trigger me, just as I have triggered others. I have brought out the uncomfortableness and fear of others just by being myself. I celebrate them, and I celebrate myself.

Of course, so many others in society are reflecting back to us all of these illusions, fears, and our limiting belief structures. They're just doing it in their own unique way, blasting themselves through consciousness like a speeding train.

There are many times that I'm uncomfortable with the choices that people make around me, gay or straight. More and more though, I'm choosing to encompass all choice. To see the benefit of all directions. To see myself in the gay-basher, the uncomfortable straight man, the furious homophobe, the indifferent observer, the gay snob, the screaming queen, the leather-daddy, the abuser, the dog-slave, the gay husband, the gay country-couple, the drag queen, the straight-to-bed guy, the boy-toy, the AIDS patient, the closeted husband, the nelly, the fag, the faggot, the queer, the fudge-packer, the cocksucker, the top, the bottom, the healer, the lover, the Saviour, the Messiah, the Messenger...the limitless roles, characters, beings, under the sky and moon, in all the cracks and valleys of the universe.

I wish to encompass all of these and so many others I didn't mention, and to remove all of my judgment around these roles, these masks and illusions. My journey of full appreciation is not complete yet, but I'm on my way, walking down a hall of mirrors, pausing before each one to kiss it, before I move on.